Chapter 70
1501words
I brought my hand around his head, with his hand wrapped around my waist. My wolf moaned, and it escaped through my mouth.
He was holding back, I could feel that much, and I didn't push for more, even if I knew more would send me to heaven.
He was breathing deeply when he let go and kissed me gently, and let go of my waist,
"I'll take that with me," he said, his breath against my lips, and I exhaled deeply,
"Me too," I said and smiled,
"Good night, Ms. Macgregor," he said and slowly slipped away.
~~~~~
"Have a good time," Axel said, when I walked into the living room, startling me,
"what? Were you waiting up on me, Axel?" I asked, turning on the lights,
"not exactly. I simply fell asleep here, and was awoken by your arrival."
By arrival, I hoped he hadn't seen the little episode between Jean and me outside, but I decided not to bring it up,
"Well, I'm sorry I woke you up," I said and watched as he sat up,
"It's fine. I've got a couple of things to attend to now, anyway."
"It's half past eleven," I said, and he shrugged,
"responsibilities demand some sacrifices, I suppose," he said, and stood,
"so, you have a good time?"
It was my turn to shrug, "I suppose I did."
"suppose?" he asked gently and chewed on my lower lip,
"Em?"
"He took me to a restaurant I used to go to with Paris at the very beginning of our relationship."
"Oh," he said quietly, and sat back down, and I did the same,
"for thirty minutes, all I could think of was Paris and I. I didn't even realize it was happening until Jean brought it to my attention, and I felt so guilty."
"I understand the guilt. It's only natural. How did he handle it?"
“he was gentle. Incredibly understanding and it only made me feel worse."
"what? Would you rather he scold you?"
I shook my head, "I don't feel bad that he was being gentle with me. I feel bad that even while he was being gentle with me, I wanted him to be someone else."
"you wanted him to be Paris?" he asked quietly and I nodded,
"Emberrr…"
"I know. I know. I have a wonderful mate. One who seemingly adores me,"
"and William, who wants nothing but your happiness," he added and I nodded,
"I have two wonderful men, who are good for me. But then, even then, my heart still belongs to Paris. I still love Paris."
"so you're finally sure."
I nodded, "I am finally sure." I said softly and he ran a hand over his head,
"What did he do? Bewitch you?"
I laughed, even though I knew he wasn't trying to be funny,
"I'm not sure it's that dark. He… he is simply my first everything. Perhaps I'm also just really attached to every sentiment."
"trauma bond?" Axel asked, and I gave it some thought,
"that borders on toxic. I like to believe that in as much as I have been weak, and broken in this relationship, in as much as he has abandoned me, he has never really abused me mentally or emotionally for it to border towards toxic."
"I still feel there's some trauma bond." I simply shook my head,
"and I don't. I'm just helplessly in love." I said sadly, and he rose, walked toward me, and squatted in front of me,
"chin up." he said, raising my head by my chin, "what if you gave your relationship with William or Jean some time? Sometimes, love takes its time. You've been so caught up with Paris, and so what if you aren't giving yourself to Jean or William?"
"I don't think it's any of that, Axel. I am willing to agree that I have felt honestly happy with Jean and William. I consider them to be very wonderful people. But it's not enough. Deep in my heart, I still find myself longing for Paris. After having good times with either of them, I still come home and long for Paris. I feel like I'm only lying to Jean and William at this point, and I can't do that anymore. I simply can't."
Axel sighed, and rose so that he sat beside me,
"so, what do you want to do?"
"If I keep pushing forward with Jean, I'm going to only hurt him. I know what heartbreak feels like." I said and shook my head, "I know what that does to a person. If it weren't for you and Papa, I would never have been able to stand the way I stand right now. The youths I find so much joy in would have never been enough for me."
He took my hand and pressed it to his cheek, "So tell me, my sister, what do you want to do?"
"I think I have to reject Jean."
My brother froze and his grip on my hand loosened, "what are you talking about?"
"Axel. I can't continue like this."
"like how?"
"stringing him along this way."
"But you're happy. Happier."
"and all that happiness is going to turn to sadness if I don't do this soon because I don't love him. I love Paris."
"but Paris isn't good for you. Are you even away from the amount of sorrow that comes with rejecting your mate? It absolutely breaks you."
"only for now, Axel. Only for now. I've given it enough thought. I thought it was true. It's going to be okay. I'm going to be okay."
"I want to believe that. But sadly, I'm not so sure," he said, letting go of my hand. I sighed and got to my feet.
"I've already given it as much thought as I need to. I'm not sure I want to go back on that decision."
"It's strange I think, to look joy and happiness in the face and still choose pain.
~~~~~
Axel's words stayed with me, even as I went about my day's job
Was he right though? Was I looking joy in the face and choosing pain instead?
"no." I said, as I withdrew a4 paper from the printer, "There's no way."
I was unsure what life would be like with Paris in the future, but I wasn't sure that I still wanted to press forth with our divorce. With our project partnership coming to an end, our bond had only been rekindled, and I couldn't even bring myself to forge on with our divorce.
"you're quite out of sorts." Bella, my assistant for everything now mentioned, while I brought the paper to her,
"Why would you think that?"
"Well, for one thing, this printout is for our side project and not for this company." I drew my brows together and looked at the photocopy,
"Well, that's odd," I said, taking the paper. She sorted through our files and got the right one,
"I'll do it," she said, and I simply nodded, sat right back down,
"So do you want to tell me about it? I mean, I know we aren't particularly best friends and all."
"I.. Am simply caught up with making the right choices. Any choice I make has an effect that I must deal with. I'm not really excited by any of the outcomes."
"Do you know what choice you want to make?"
I nodded slowly, " I do."
"Have you prayed?"
I blinked," what?"
"prayed. To God."
"Is that what you do when you're faced with tough situations?"
She nodded, "All alright. Then. I'll give it a try."
"do that." she said, and got up, "meanwhile, I'll go have my coffee break."
~~~~
I did try praying. But then, it turns out, I already knew what I wanted to do, I just needed the courage to do it.
One look at Jean waiting by car after work hours made me want to turn around and run in a different direction to avoid doing what I had to do.
"Hello, beautiful little thing. He said, straightening, and kissed my cheek. My breath caught, and my heart rate quickened.
"I know a place," he said, taking my hand and trying to lead me to the passenger' side, but I stood my ground.
"There's something I need to talk to you about," I said sadly when he looked at me with confusion,
"Is there a problem?"
"don't. Please don't do it." my wolf pleaded, but I ignored it. My mind was made up,
"It's just. I don’t… I don't think we should keep trying to grow our bond." I blurted out. The faster I said it, the quicker I was to be done with it.
Hurt and confusion flashed on his face, and I was saddened by it. But I was also resolute,
"Ember, What are you trying to say?"
"I'm trying to say that I…I, Ember McGregor, reject you, Alpha Jean of the Silver Bright pack as my mate."
