Chapter 131
1884words
I was serious. Dead serious, because I had had enough of running around in circles in my head. Torturing myself with what was wrong with Jean. Imagine the craziest scenarios.
I needed to know what I needed to know, and I was only going to get that knowledge directly from the horse's mouth.
"Ember." he sighed out, " we've been through this. We talked about it and you decided that you didn't need to know that much after all."
"no, Jean. You talked, and I was left to deal with whatever you had to say. I do not feel like simply dealing with anything anymore, not when the questions keep piling up, and I'm left with having to fill in the gaps with my own imagination."
"What questions have you asked, have I not answered? You asked me why I sounded so strained and I told you I was working. Or did you forget that I'm the alpha of my pack and have a whole lot of people that I am responsible for?"
"I don't doubt you've been working, or that you have a lot of members to account for. It's the nature of the work that you seem to be embarking on that I want to know of. I want to know what you've been working on. Or is that none of my concern?"
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "Why is it not enough for you to accept that you might be better off not knowing everything? That you might be better off not knowing this part of being an alpha?... Or bring your mate?" he asked in a quiet tone, and I relented by taking his hand,
"What does being my mate have to do with this, Jean?" I asked, suddenly afraid of his response. He squeezed my hands and bowed over me so that our heads were touching,
"everything. And yet I can't speak about it. But I need you to know that there is nothing I wouldn't do, no mile I wouldn't take to keep you safe. To keep every harm from coming to you. I need you to know that, to believe that. Because it's the truth. All that I do, everything I've done, since I met you has always been for you." he said softly, and my anxiety slowly melted away.
"I know, Jean. But don’t you think that as the sole reason for the bond we share, knowing that it's an incredibly strong bond, despite how imperfect we might be, it is only appropriate I know things like this? If you would speak about our bond, that means it's connected. Then let me know, Jean. I deserve to actually know." I whispered and he let out a soft sigh, before running a thumb across my cheek,
"At least let's have this night of stargazing, I give you my word that I haven't done anything illegal, but you might hate me after I make this confession. So at least let me have tonight." he said with so much sincerity that I had to wonder and question the fact.
Was I really capable of hating Jean? I didn't know.
"all right then." I conceded, "Let's have tonight."
"thank you," he whispered and as he reached for the bouquet of flowers he had gotten for me, I felt a squeezing in my heart and I think I knew the answer.
No. I didn’t think I was actually capable of hating Jean.
"Now if I had been more devoted to the arts of stargazing these past couple of weeks, then perhaps I would have been much better at identifying the various galaxies and milky ways," I said and looked through the lens of his stethoscope, out into the heavens and heard him chuckle.
"I agree that that's quite enough time to learn a couple of things. But the heavens have never been known to be understood perfectly in just weeks, though," he said, good-humoredly, until I felt his breath against my nick, and my breath caught in that feeling,
"I don't think they might make an exception this time," I said and struggled to swallow. I knew I was simply asking for trouble when I asked to come over earlier. But now, in the face of all of that trouble, and with all that still needed to be said hanging over us, I wasn't sure what path I was supposed to take in reacting to him.
I mean, I knew what my wolf wanted. She was excited at the prospect of having Jean close and that alone was enough to leave me vulnerable.
"Perhaps the heavens might, this one time, make a very remarkable exception," he said and pressed his lips to my neck, making me shiver. I had one quick second to decline or accept his advances. I chose the latter.
I turned around, so that I was facing him, and looked into his cloudy gray eyes that were so filled with passion and bit my lower lip,
"you still have to tell me all that is going on with you though," I said softly and he nodded once,
"I didn’t think we had suddenly moved past that. You have my word, Ember."
I nodded, and placed my hand on his cheek, softly drawing his face toward mine. And he ravaged me. As though all the time apart and everything in between left him starved.
The goal was to get over Paris, but the goal wasn't to use anyone, and especially not Jean to achieve that end.
So when I was with Jean, when he kissed me, I didn't think it was Paris. I didn’t tell myself this was his replacement.
I thought of Jean. Only Jean. And damned be everyone else.
"Every time I dream of having you in my arms, I tell myself that one chance I all a man should need to prove to you that he is a great lover," Jean said when he pulled away from the kiss, sounding a little out of breath.
"shut up." I croaked out, knowing fully well he was about to ruin a good thing, but he chuckled, and ran a thumb down my cheek,
"After everything I have to say has been said, if you still wish to continue to have this moment with me then we can. I won’t take you knowing you might regret having me lately," he said and I think that was enough to knock me back into the present.
I took a deep deep breath, before saying anything else,
"Does that mean you want to talk about it now, then?" I asked, and he nodded,
"Better to get it over and done with," he said and took me by the hand and led me to a brown soft couch that I think I was noticing for the first time.
"sit," he ordered and I did his bidding without a second thought, and then he sat right beside me,
"Let's hear it then," I said and turned to him, and he seemed to be pondering over what had to be said,
"I promised myself to give you only the truth on the drive here, so here it goes." he blew out a breath and looked me straight in the eyes, "I partnered with Paris a couple of weeks ago to find the person who hired the men that attacked you."
"you did what?" I asked, surprised by the news. We had talked about it then, and we had decided it was a no-go area. But I thought about it and I realized, it was me who had decided and Jean had only said no problem,
"I know you heard me the first time and asked that in shock, so I'd rather not repeat it, to avoid unnecessary problems."
"oh, there's a problem alright," I said and he nodded,
"Expected. So since we've been partnered up all this time, he and I have been having meetings with our betas sometimes."
"What have these meetings been about?" I asked and he shrugged,
"clues, hints. Things like that. Although the last one had been about the accident at your company, I genuinely wanted a name. something that would lead me to the culprit. And I got it. It turned out to be Kare's rotten cousin."
"She had another?" I sneered and Jean nodded,
"she did. And I found him and pounded him in. I would have killed him-" I cut in with a gasp, and he reached for my hand, his hand so sure and steady, "I might have killed him, had you not called me." he finished and I was lost,
"When did I -" and then realization dawned on me, " Today?" I asked and he nodded,
"Today," he repeated, and unable to take it any longer, I got up and began to pace,
"So that was why you sounded so off? So strained? You were in the middle of a murder?" I asked, slowly nearing hysterics now, but he nodded, ever so simply that I might as well have been asking him if he'd had dinner,
"Is he dead?" I asked, and he shook his head,
"He isn't. I told you, you called me and things changed."
"is the part where I applaud you? Where I congratulate you for being such a good wolf and sparing a life."
"the life of a man who would have gladly killed you, Em."
"I know that now. But that doesn’t excuse how easily you speak of murdering the man." this time, Jean rose as well,
"I've never tried to give you the impression that I was a saint, Ember. I kill and I have killed in the name of wars and defending what's mine, and I would do it again and again if it's what keeps the ones dear to me safe," he said coldly and I narrowed my eyes at him,
"I haven't! I've never murdered, and you were going to make me guilty of that boy's murder."
"If it's any consolation, murder would have been too merciful to him. It's why he is imprisoned." Jean said and I was shocked my head,
"you've clearly missed the point," but he shook his head,
"I haven’t. you are upset at the prospect of murdering someone. But you must understand that I could never truly be an alpha without making cold and calculated decisions. This position isn’t for a person who only thinks of flowers."
I did not know why, but that hit home. So deeply,
"If this is what being an alpha means, then perhaps I have no business being an alpha, perhaps I'm better off dealing with my flowers," I said sadly and he reached out to try to touch me, I moved away from him and his hand fell away.
A barrier had been put up between us. It was unspoken, but it was there. I put it there, after all
"I'm sure every desire you felt toward me is gone?" he asked,
"Long gone." I ground out and he nodded,
"at least you get to make your decision with the right knowledge,"
"Stay away from me." I said, stepping away from him, "Just. Just," I said and turned away from him. And he didn't try to come after me.
