Chapter 57
1916words
When I see the doctor, I rub my eyes. For a moment he looks like the doctor Asher summoned the day I learned I was pregnant. It's not him though. It's funny. I almost wish he was. Stop trying to look for connections back to him. You can't be with Asher. You can't.
'Hello there," the man says with a smile. 'I'm Dr. Tillmore. You must be Ms. Halloway?"
My mother and I share a quick look. Thanks to Jonah, we've been set up in a small house on the outskirts of the city. He's arranged for false names for us as well. 'Yes, that's right," I say.
'Excellent, excellent." He smacks his lips in a way that makes my skin crawl. 'Lie back on the bed, and let's see how far along you are."
'I thought Adriana would be here." I glance at my phone for any messages. It's a brand-new phone, a burner that's meant to be disposed of after a single use. Jonah has gone all out on precautions. From what I know about the Grachev Bratva, I believe his paranoia is justified.
The doctor shrugs lightly. 'She showed me in. I'm not sure where she went after that."
Baffled by this info, I start to head for the door.
'It's all right, dear," Mom calls. 'Adriana is fine. Let's focus on this." She pats the white blankets on the mattress to encourage me.
Chewing my bottom lip, I eye the door anxiously. 'I guess it's okay … I just wanted her here."
'I'm here, malyshka," my mother reminds me gently.
With a helpless smile, I return to the bed. Hopping up, I settle onto the soft material, reclining until I'm propped up on the large pillows. Though this house is outfitted with newer furniture and appliances, the building itself hasn't been updated in some time; the rooms are drafty, and we've taken to smothering ourselves in multiple blankets.
I don't mind the quaintness or the minor construction issues. It's nice to be back in a house where I can see all the details. There are no endless rooms or hoard of staff tracking me with their prying eyes.
I do miss Ollie, though ... and Layla. She took a huge risk in helping spirit me off Asher's property. I hope she's okay.
The doctor clears his throat to get my attention—I was zoning out. 'Sorry, what was that?" I ask.
'I said lift your shirt, please."
Doing as he says, I roll the light blue cotton over my belly. Dr. Tillmore squirts a palm-size wad of clear gel onto my skin. I jump at the sensation—I had forgotten how cold the ultrasound gel can be.
As he presses the fetal Doppler against my belly, a new yet familiar dread snakes into me.
'Let's see now," he mumbles to himself as he works the tool. My mother holds my hand on the other side of the bed. Her breath is coming fast but soft. Her excitement is palpable.
But so is my fear that the past is about to return.
The screen is black and white. As Dr. Tillmore shifts the device around, a crackling rumble emanates from the speakers. Steady and rhythmic.
Before he tells me what it is, I'm already crying.
The heartbeat ... That's my baby's heartbeat!
I never made it this far with my first pregnancy. On some level, I was convinced this one would be the same. My mom grips my hand tighter; she's fighting back tears and failing.
'The baby's heart sounds healthy," he says kindly. 'Congratulations, Ms. Halloway."
'Thank you," I reply through my sniffles.
He nods thoughtfully, his smile getting toothy. 'You're going to be a wonderful mother."
'I hope so," I laugh nervously. 'I'm not sure I'm prepared. My life is kind of a mess." My laughter fades out as self-doubt takes over. 'What if I'm bad at it?"
'Nonsense. Every mother worries the first time. But it gets easier with the next one. Right?" He looks across at my mother and winks.
She stiffens at the attention. 'Oh, I wouldn't know."
The doctor passes me some tissues; I wipe my belly clean. My memories are tangling up all over again.
If I hadn't lost Simon's baby ... This wouldn't be my first.
Dr. Tillmore pats the back of my hand. 'Everything will be okay, Ms. Halloway."
I maintain my smile—my joy from before is hard to smother—but the way he addresses me is causing waves of acid to swell up in my throat.
I'm not Ms. Halloway.
My mind does a somersault.
I'm not even Ms. Rubinova.
Since being holed up in this house, I haven't heard anything about Yannick. The lack of news hasn't calmed me down. I find myself fretting constantly about that awful man … a man I share blood with.
As I watch the doctor packing up his equipment, talking to my mother in a low, happy voice, I know what's wrong with this situation.
I wish he was calling me Mrs. Volkov.
The ceiling rises higher. The distance grows until I swear I'm sinking into the bed, slowly plummeting into a dark hole with the rest of the world sliding by. Asher ... you should be here with me. My ears continue to ring with the sound of our child's heartbeat. It was a gentle whoosh, similar to the roll of ocean waves on the sand. It's a sound I'll never forget.
But this moment was meant for me and Asher.
I miss him so much.
Tears fill my eyes until everything goes blurry. I lift my fingers to swipe them away, but I can't feel my hands. The ends of my limbs feel like they belong to someone else. And I feel numb, as if my whole body is falling asleep.
What have I done?
Leaving Asher was the worst mistake of my life.
'Camila?" My mother rushes to my side. She uses my name freely now that we're alone. 'Oh, dear, it's okay to cry! You must be so happy right now!"
Scrubbing my eyelids, I don't answer. I can't tell her what's making me act like this. She will never understand my feelings. Not after what happened to her.
No … I can't burden her with this.
It would hurt her too much.
Worse, we might even fight; I don't have the energy for that. We can't leave this house. An argument would boil over, driving us mad with nowhere to run for privacy. Without lifting my head, I let out a few shaky breaths. 'I'm okay, Mom. Everything is fine."
'Yes, yes, of course it is! You're going to have a beautiful, healthy baby!"
New tears pour out endlessly. Yes. I'm going to be a mother.
If only I didn't have to do it alone.
Adriana bursts into the room. 'Oh my gosh!" she shouts. 'Did I miss it? Ugh! I'm so sorry, Camila!"
I shake my head with a weary smile. 'Don't worry about it. It won't be the last time I have a doctor checking me out."
'Still … I should've been here," she sighs.
Scrutinizing her face, I feel a tingle of suspicion. 'What were you doing?"
Adriana balks like I've caught her in the middle of something she doesn't want me to see. Eyeing the door, then me again, her shoulders slump. 'I got some bad news. I didn't want to tell you before you got some good news instead."
I sit up sharply. 'What happened?"
She rubs the back of her neck while rocking on her heels. 'Promise me you won't flip out."
My mother edges closer to my friend. 'What is it?" she demands.
Pulling her hands down her cheeks, Adriana groans in anguish. 'Your dance studio."
I'm out of the bed, advancing on her with my heart punching inside my ribs. 'What about the studio?"
She recoils with a wince. 'Someone set it on fire."
'What?" Mom's face drains of all color.
Adriana puts her hands up like she expects to be attacked. 'God, Katinka, I am so, so sorry. I don't know the details. I just saw it on the news. I guess it happened really early this morning."
I wish I was back in bed—I'm afraid I'm about to collapse on weak knees. 'Our studio? Are you sure?" I ask.
'Yes … Camila, I'm really—Katinka!"
My mother begins to sway. I move first, but Adriana is quick to join me as we cradle her before she topples to the floor. 'Mom! Are you all right?"
'The studio …" she moans. 'Izvini, Styopa. Mne ochen zhal …"
She's apologizing to Dad's memory, I realize.
'Let's get her on the bed," I say. Adriana helps me maneuver my mother onto the mattress, the same spot I was lying just recently as we rejoiced in hearing my child's heartbeat. How quickly the mood can change.
Once my mother settled, I pull Adriana out of the bedroom and into the living room. 'Do you need to sit down too?" she asks cautiously.
I hold up my hand. 'I'm fine. I just want to know what's going on. Jonah has asked us to stay off the internet while things settle down, so I can't look anything up myself."
Adriana fidgets with her phone. 'You're sure you want to see this?"
'Yes," I say flatly.
With a resigned sigh, she hands me her phone. In seconds I've pulled up the photos on the news. The screenshots of flames eating away at the remains of my childhood memories break my heart. But underneath the sadness is a fire of my own—a brutal, rising lust for revenge.
'It was him," I mutter. 'Yannick did this."
'Camila, you can't be sure."
'Yes! I can." It was him. I know it in my gut. My thumb scrolls over the news articles, pausing over a single video. In it, I can hear the scream of sirens. Smoke billows thickly in great black waves. I can't recognize the dance studio. It looks nothing like it used to. The roof smolders while firefighters blast the front with streams of water.
At the bottom of the website is a photo from only an hour ago. What's left of the building is a crooked shell. Some of the wall-length mirrors can be seen, their surfaces darkened by soot. Everything will have to be rebuilt from the ground up.
Picturing Asher's rage-filled face as he gets this news, my neck tightens painfully. He'll want him dead more than ever. I try to visualize Yannick—to imagine him cowering in a bloody mess on the pavement—but I don't even know what he looks like.
'Camila." Adriana lays her hand gently on my arm. 'If I can do anything, tell me."
A laundry list of wishes rocks my skull. Help Jonah get rid of the Bratva. Find Yannick and throw him at my feet so I can choke the life out of him. Let me leave this house!
But I say none of those things as I hand her back her phone. 'There's nothing you can do."
'You're sure?"
Running my hand over my stomach, I recall the sound of my baby's heart. 'This place … hiding from the world … is the best thing for me. Thanks to you, we're safe here."
She watches me with sorrow plain in her face. I don't want to be pitied.
What I desire is something she can't give me.
I want to be with Asher.
